; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
