Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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