Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
