vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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