nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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