I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
