I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I want to fling myself into the sun
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...