this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.