I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
