I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
