What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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