life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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