PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
do herpes really smell.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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