i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
