did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
