I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
