Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
