he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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