hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
