i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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