everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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