I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize