guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
