The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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