i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
