She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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