I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
