What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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