if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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