You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
