and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
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