I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
