i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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