i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
