you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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