I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
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I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
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Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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