Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
