then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
as a side note pls kill me
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
