got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
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I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.