The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
