Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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