Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
