I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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