Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The Olympian is in my bed
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
