Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
