I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
