i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
