Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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