I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
