I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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