And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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