i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
