I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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