Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize