I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize